I am not interested in a "decent" life.

I have found myself amongst books, poetry, and dreams wilder than the average imagination. Always dreaming of love and connection. I have found that the ideas sold to me by society were so flavorless and colorless that it made me want to scream. I have spent my life trying to sell myself to the idea of good enough. That maybe my desires are a little too far-reaching. My friends and family all say the same things, too. Pick someone you can have a decent life with. Pick someone who maybe isn’t everything you have ever wanted, but they are good enough because that wild romance does not exist. It’s a fairy tale, they say.

But my heart and soul scream and ache for more. I have sold myself twice now on that idea. If I settle down, all will be well. And for a while, it seems that way. The ecstasy of meeting someone new, falling in love, and taking all the first steps with them is overjoying and overflowing. I have masked my desires in the name of decency over and over. I have reconciled with my aching heart at night asleep next to a good enough human. I have cooled my passions to fill a role that society laid out for me. Survival.

And every single time I do it, I start to wither. My soul caves in on itself, and I slowly slip into my own created madness. And why?! Because I thought that was what life and love was supposed to be like. I felt that if I gave it enough time, tried hard enough, and put myself out there enough, I would find what I was searching for. But the heartbreaking reality is that I didn’t, and I wouldn’t. That deep-seated need for connection and what I desire was still out there. But I settled for a decent life.

So no more. No more half-alive love, no more accepting games and being strung along In hopes they’ll love you one day. No more begging, pleading, and crying for love to stay. No more soul-aching and tear-stained pillows because I accepted a life that did not fit me. I want to try on all the shoes of this life I want to date and see. Explore this world, every single continent, until I find the love that ignites my soul. I will live with the chasm inside of me that aches for it until it is mine. Because what I have found is that anything less is a waste of my life force. I will not accept a lukewarm, good on paper life to any degree. I will stand alone and hold my hand until I am equally matched in passion, drive, desire, and hope. That love will be the epic end to this lifetime. It will set me free in more ways than I can even imagine right now.

I do not need to be saved. I do not need another to make me whole. I do not need it. But I desire, I want, I crave that love. And I will stand alone for the entirety of my existence until I find it. Because it is already mine, I can feel it call to me. I have tried to put the cloak on a few unworthy suitors throughout my time on this earth, but what that has shown me is how deeply wrong I was for trying to force it. I gave in to my need for possession because, at the end of the day, I am human. I miss a warm body next to me and good morning texts. I miss soft kisses and dancing together on a Friday night in the living room. But my god, will I wait for that love now. A love that sees me wholly and entirely and feels the exact same as I do and would never let me go. Someone I don’t have to teach to be a grown up or emotionally mature. Someone I can rely on and can rely on me.

So, my sweet love, wherever you are, maybe not even in this lifetime. Know I am searching for you, and I will be relentless in my process. I will fuck up along the way, but I will not put on armor, and I will not allow my heart to harden because one day, it will wholly and fully belong to you, and you deserve the best of me and my love.