Because You Said Go

It turns out there's a more evil type of heartbreak than someone not choosing you. It's them choosing you, being in their heartbreaking chaos, and you lovingly letting them go, all the while they wanted to stay. 

That is a specialized form of torture for the one who let them go. It's a slap to the face. It's gut-wrenching and exhausting to go over the details and beg the universe to give you a redo. To replay the exact moment in your head over and over so many times you want to throw up. Because it was right there, you want to scream! You looked me in the eye, told me the truth, and daydreamed with me for hours. You wanted to stay, and you still do, but you walked away. Now you're determined and convincing yourself of things daily, and I admire that.. sort of. But I see through it. I see it in the pleading in your eyes, but there's something that keeps you from coming back to me. I hear it in the mask you try to wear when you talk. The one that says the right things after our ending to offer some solace. It doesn't work, though. It never will. 

But what if it actually saved you? 

What if you told them to go because of how deeply you loved them? Fuck yeah, it hurt, fuck yeah, you screamed songs at the top of your lungs on Christmas morning and cried so hard you couldn't talk the rest of the day just to try to move that energy out of your body. Of course, it ached to lose their voice, their laughter, and the dream of tomorrow holding their hand. There's an echo of where they used to be that haunts you when you wake up and in your dreams. I know. It feels like you lost your person. 

So hear me out. 

They didn't and won't. They didn't fight through the pain of the what-ifs. They didn't scream your name from a mountaintop and choose you. Love for you isn't decent, small, or polite. It's big, loud, and over the top, and you fucking deserve that. You deserve to be relentlessly chosen. You deserve courageous love. You deserve someone you don't have to beg and plead with to stay. You deserve a courageous love that will hold your hand in the dark and walk with you into the light no matter how long that takes. You deserve to be seen and not the second choice. 

So let them go because you shouldn't have to beg love to stay. Don't be mad. Your heart was courageous and awakened enough to see through your selfish wants and let them find peace or whatever it was they were hoping to find. Find solace in your strength that you are the boulder the waves crash against. You stand up, speak your mind, and are unrelenting in yourself. Let them have the freedom to make their own choices without burdening their hearts with what-ifs because it'll drive you mad. 

When their memory pops up in your mind, smile and remember how good it felt to laugh with them and then wish them well and continue. Because if it were meant to be, they would've stayed. They wouldn't have let you go. Not for a second. Even though it hurts right now, you'll be okay and heal. Don't let someone's actions make you regret your love. You deserve to be the choice, not the afterthought.